April 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 2011
sarka: (Default)
[personal profile] sarka
Does it work? Have I done irreparable damage?

Riding, riding
riding through the wildness,
western skies ablaze with golden light.
'Round these mountains, many monsters wander
waiting for a victim in the night.
Fates, oh, lead the steps of my steed
let me make the last of my way with speed.
Fates, oh, lead the steps of my steed
let me make the last of my way with speed.

Hush now, hush now,
something here is listening,
perhaps a fox goes hungry for his prey.
Still, it sounded like someone was calling
outlaws seeking sheep to lead astray?
If I lose the sight of where I'm bound
not even my bones will ever be found.
If I lose the sight of where I'm bound
not even my bones will ever be found.

Hurry, hurry,
hurry through to nightfall
shadows lengthen, dark is falling fast.
The elven queen is readying her riders,
fey whoever sees her hunt go past.
Any price I would happily pay
if I make it home 'fore the end of day.
Any price I would happily pay
if I make it home 'fore the end of day.


English speakers, does it make sense? Is it horrendously grammatically incorrect? It's an English translation of an Icelandic folk song.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-02-07 12:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] doctoraicha.livejournal.com
It's lovely, El.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-02-07 01:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sarka.livejournal.com
Thanks. I wanted to teach my kids something Icelandic, but I had to pick a song and translate... this one is fast and spooky, two things that will appeal to them.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-02-07 12:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sarahblack.livejournal.com
It's pretty!

(no subject)

Date: 2011-02-07 01:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sarka.livejournal.com
Glad to hear it. I've been chewing on it for a few months.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-02-07 01:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lokrur.livejournal.com
Mér finnst þetta að mörgu leyti mjög vel gert hjá þér og þetta lítur vel út á ensku. En ef ég ber þetta saman við frumtextann finnst mér þetta vera frekar frjálsleg þýðing, þú sleppir sumu alveg og bætir sums staðar við texta sem er ekki í upphaflega kvæðinu (t.d. í lok annars erindis) og efnislega kemst ekki allt sem er í kvæðinu á íslensku til skila. Sumt er náttúrlega óþýðanlegt eins og staðarnöfnin (sem mér finnst þú leysa vel), annað væri hægt að útskýra með formála, eins af hverju útlagarnir og tófan eru slík ógn við kindurnar - og það vantar líka útskýringu á af hverju kindur skipta allt í einu máli í öðru erindi (þar sem þú sleppir því að þýða "rekum" í fyrsta erindi - þannig að það er ekki ljóst að þeir séu að reka kindur).


(no subject)

Date: 2011-02-07 03:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lokrur.livejournal.com
Já og ég gleymdi að skrifa þetta áðan, þetta er ekki folk song - heldur er lagið eftir Sigvalda Kaldalóns og textinn eftir Grím Thomsen :o)

(no subject)

Date: 2011-02-14 11:45 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sarka.livejournal.com
*hlær*

Já, þetta var ansi frjálslega gert hjá mér, sérstaklega annað erindið. Ég er enn að bögglast með að gera það betur, þá gæti ég gert smávægilegar breytingar á fyrsta erindi til að koma efninu betur til skila. Ég bara kemst ekki yfir þessa blessuðu útilegumenn sem eru fimm atkvæði í íslensku en bara tvö í ensku.

Ég er náttúrlega sem þýðandi í raun með tvö markmið sem að vissu leyti stangast á: annarsvegar vil ég koma eins miklu af kvæðinu til skila og hægt er, hinsvegar vil ég geta kennt lagið börnum sem tala takmarkaða ensku.

Ég hinsvegar spilaði lagið fyrir þau í dag, með íslenskum texta. Það var ógeðslega gaman... ég hef alltaf verið kynnt til sögunnar sem "native speaker" í enskudeildinni og ég held að það hafi fyrst núna verið að komast til skila hvað nemendurna varðar að já, ég varð að læra ensku frá grunni, ég tala ekki eitthvað ensku-lite tungumál. Ég skrifaði íslenska stafrófið upp á töflu fyrir þau og skemmti mér konunglega við að hrekkja þau með því :D

(no subject)

Date: 2011-02-07 02:35 pm (UTC)
ext_29986: (young severus reading)
From: [identity profile] fannishliss.livejournal.com
It works very well in English -- great job! Now I want to hear how it goes!!

Here are a few little tiny details that hit my ear (I myself am both poet and songwriter, so I realize you might have made decisions based on the tune, but just my two cents)

Also, since you use punctuation, my copyreader eye looks for the punctuation at the ends of lines, for consistency's sake.

line 2. wildness -- not usually a word in English, conveys something just a little different than the more common "wilderness" which I think would work here.

line 4. The first syllable of "Around" is very slight, so I think it might work better.

last stanza. "fey whoever sees her hunt go past." this line I don't quite get. Is it that whoever sees her will become fey, or is fey?

last couplet. 'fore -- same as around, the first syllable of before is very slight and would problably work.

The couplets especially are so very enjoyable, very creepy and atmospheric. what a great song!! do you have a link to it in icelandic? I'd love to record it for you in English!

Apologies in advance if this is too much crit, but I hope constructive!

(no subject)

Date: 2011-02-14 11:51 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sarka.livejournal.com
Thanks for your comments, they were very helpful! The reason I dropped the slight first syllables of a couple of words is because I aim to teach this to a class of EFL students, who are really not capable of distinguishing between a slight syllable and one that is fully pronounced. It will be less heartache for all of us if I keep it the way it is now... if I was handing this over to a native speaker, I'd put those syllables back in.

I might change the entire line with "wildness" in it - it's a very rhythmic song, and there are a couple of other issues with my translation that I need to tweak, but if I don't, I'll make sure it's correct :)

As for the "fey", in UK English, which is sort of what Europeans learn, most of the time, "fey" means "doomed to die" - so whoever sees the elven queen's hunt is doomed to die. Does that make more sense?

This is the song in Icelandic - I'd be thrilled to have a recording, though please don't record the lyrics as they are now, I'm not 100% happy with them yet :D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NLgY9TUxOLc&feature=related

(no subject)

Date: 2011-02-07 04:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rosestoo.livejournal.com
I really like how this turned out. It makes sense and though I'm certain that there are a few different alternatives that could be used--I think its fine as is.

I really, really, like it, though. What song is it from?

(no subject)

Date: 2011-02-14 11:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sarka.livejournal.com
It's an Icelandic song that's pretty well known, to the point where we'd say it's folk, even though technically it isn't, since both the composer and the poet are known.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NLgY9TUxOLc&feature=related

This is the song in Icelandic :D

(no subject)

Date: 2011-02-14 05:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rosestoo.livejournal.com
That is very cool. I love listening to music in other languages (though it is a plus to have read a translation of it first!)

Also I'm slowly making a digital scrap book. Just because I need things to do. Its very dorky. But here's one of the pages I've done which you might recall. http://i51.tinypic.com/rsdc0l.png It's not quite finished yet, though.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-02-07 05:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] salixbabylon.livejournal.com
My only comment of concrit was the use of "fey" which dictionary.com tells me means "doomed to die" in Britspeak - so it makes sense in context, but I stumbled over it because I'm used to it meaning simply "otherworldly/creepy".

But wow - transalting songs/poems and keeping the sense of rhythm and beauty is an impressive task - you are awesome. :)

(no subject)

Date: 2011-02-14 11:53 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sarka.livejournal.com
Thanks! And yeah, but since I'll be teaching them the meanings of the words, and trust me "fey" is not a standard in my 4th grader's vocabularies, I'll be able to tell them myself what meanings are possible for it, so they won't be stumbling over that one.

:D

(no subject)

Date: 2011-02-07 06:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hildigunnur.livejournal.com
The only line that really stumps me is the second line in the first verse. There's a loss of rhythm happening there. Otherwise I think it's pretty good as Grímur Thomsen is definitely not the easiest Icelandic poet to translate.

(no subject)

Date: 2011-02-14 11:54 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sarka.livejournal.com
I'm not sure which line you're referring to? I can keep it all in rhythm... :S

(no subject)

Date: 2011-02-14 11:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hildigunnur.livejournal.com
riding through the wildness

Dunno what it's exactly. Might be what syllable you stress in the last word and that s sound at the end.

Maybe it would be better if it was

Riding, riding
riding through the wasteland


But you're the one with the talent for this and not me. :)

Profile

sarka: (Default)
sarka

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags